Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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