i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize