Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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