just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
