Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize