you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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