I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
