I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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