remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
