i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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