Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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