i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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