I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
