Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
