There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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