:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
