the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Randomize
