And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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