I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
