Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
