After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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