bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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