The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
