Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
