you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it's like iHOP with fire
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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