I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize