i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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