i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
