i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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