pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
