i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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