I feel great
I just peed on a car
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
