Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
