Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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