I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
