"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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