there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
