Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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