Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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