well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize