remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
