Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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