I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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