The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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