dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
tell me about the eggs
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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