i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
