Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
