I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
