I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You're like the curious george of whores
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
