Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
