You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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