I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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