Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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