I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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