I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
