Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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