I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize