Whod you bang
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
